"Remember this: no one is looking at your imperfections; they're all too busy worrying about their own." - Isaac Mizrahi."

Got this from Anelie's.

It sucks to have this feeling.
Eww, go away you badassfeelingsforyourownself!

The first time round, i told myself to pucker up.
Pull my socks up, and just got to move one and do better.


But now why must this happen and hinder my determination?!

When it is such a turbulent and bad time for me now?
Everything came crashing down, and i got vulnerably hurt.


and this week is a killer week.


i am :(

EXHUASTION.

I AM EXHAUSTED!




I need a rest.

A simple day to which i can wake up late to a cooling

weather after a long sleep.



Yep, that is what i would need.

I finally got myself to do what is needed.
I feel accomplished!


and the weekends have been over SO FAST!
i repeat, SO FAST!

I wish the weekends could have been longer.
It's gonna be a week of attachment again!
This coming Thursday and Friday will be morning shift :(
But tomorrow will be afternoon shift, which i prefer to morning shift.

HELLO TO ACHEY ACHEY FEET, HELLO PATIENTS AND HELLO TO THE BUSY, CRUEL WORLD OF BEING AN INVINCIBLE LOST STUDENT NURSE.

Did you know.. ?

i agree on this, heehee.



Thank God, there is sunshine after the rain.

oh yes, let's move on and forget about the past week and back to being carefree and not caring about anything for now.

:]

Picture Credits

How time flies.
and how the events unfold quickly, unexpectedly and unsought after.

I am back, from a crazy, tough and emotional week. I can say, it has been a thunderstorm and i would label this week as the worst week of my 2009. a week ago, i had wished for a great week to enjoy my holidays. i guess i had a hell of a week instead.

It had been a mess of emotions raging inside of me. I did not know what to do, helpless and i felt alone. There were moments when i felt so much anger, so much hatred. and there had been moments that i felt so much in denial on why this is happening to me and leaving me wondering "Why everyone else could be happy but us? " and there too, had been moments when i felt so so scared, i felt so alone.

Damn, there has been so much pain, i felt my heart was gonna burst. and i can't believe i had even think about it, about being so like there's no way out but just to die. Shoo away those thoughts.

for now, the future ahead seems dark and uncertain. my future is threatened. What if everything i have, my life here, my friends, my studies will be taken away and be back to a life which i had long forgotten?

Would you say goodbye to me, and remember me still?


I wish i could easily open up. and have someone who understands and lends a listening ear. Oh wells.

Someday, i want to tell you to your face how much i hate you.
Someday, i hope you realise how many people you have hurt.
Someday, i am going to go as far away from you.
Someday, you will show me with love not to have fear.
Someday, i want to be able to share my day, my ups and downs with you.
Someday, i want to stop hiding informations from you.
Someday, it will come to you that you have been wrong all along.
Someday, i hope you will understand me.
Someday, i will be able to talk to my aunt who understands me most.
Someday, i want to share my feelings with someone who cares.
Someday, i will stop praying that you'll be a better father.
Someday, i will not envy others.
Someday, i will feel loved by you.
Someday, you will come to realise all this.
Someday, i will be able to let go of all this hatred and rebelliousness.
Someday, i will be happy.

Someday.

Ahh. This would be perfect on a sunny, lazy afternoon.
To just lie down, with good books to entertain you and with iced lemonade.
Perfect!

My holidays, which is in a shorter length compared to the people from other schools has only about 2 weeks left before the much anticipated or should i say, dreaded attachment. Eek! I'm kinda not sure what to expect.

and this two weeks will soon fly by in no time.

These two weeks i have, there is a lot to do :(
I want to get things over and done with. In actual fact, i don't want the responsibility. There are many at times i feel like walking away from it. But oh wells. Two more months to go. Boo!

But anyways, the past week had been good. Sleeping in the early morning and waking up when the sun is up and blaring into your bedroom window. Got my sleep, whee! and teevee! I get to watch national geo shows. Hah, they're kinda interesting you know. and i've been surfing a lot lately. and it makes me think, the world is such a crazy place and the people are getting more wackier than ever.

I want to wake up to a good day ahead tomorrow.
I know it will be.
It's the 7th.
:D

Have a goodnight!

Picture Credit

"You are defined by the way in which you treat the people you love. And, the people you hate."

Ah, Hate. and anger. There has so much of it in me these days. I need to take a breather.

There are times when there i feel utmost emotions in me, and when that happens, i always like the idea of writing down my thoughts and feelings. I feel better that way. It makes me feel like i am writing and relating to someone who understands me the best. Hmmm, it is like writing to yourself though. I don't know why, but i don't take solace in telling friends, even close friends of what is really bothering me or how i am feeling inside. Even when it's a mess of emotions inside, i rather keep things bottled up. Taking a nice cold shower is also a nice therapy, especially in this rainy season. It's awesome.

But i think. Sometimes, too much hatred is too much.

A week ago, this unfamiliar lady requested to add me on facebook. I asked her, like i normally would if i know her. Apparently, she was my kindergarten to primary 2 classmate! So Lisa had scanned and uploaded our K1 class photo.

When i left the Philippines for Singapore officially at the age of 8, my classmates had no idea what happened to me or no news of me at all till now. I left without a goodbye or a word you see. and i, of course literally forgotten them. That was a freakin' 12 years ago. I only had a vague memory of a few close friends like Andre, Nicole and Abigail. and i remember always being the first to arrive in school. While waiting, i would practise on my penmanship book. That explains the neat hand writing eh :P

K1

12 long years ago.
Try and spot me :D

Not having any news of me, Lisa searched for me in fb. And tada! I was reunited with everyone, though i don't remember them at all and i bet they don't remember me too.

Well, i just think it is so cool to have found my long lost classmates who are miles and miles away in the philippines. I don't even have their names or any inkling idea of how they would look like now. (Thank God for Facebook and its pictures)

I think if i were in the philippines on a visit, i would probably be able to recognize them if i do bump into any of them!

What would life have been if i had stayed on instead?

" when least expected, you came. "

half empty, half full

fill me up.

a cup of hot chocolate, great music and the cooling night is just perfect for one to sit down and do some studying. that's what i did, after another night of strolling around the neighbourhood. this time, accompanied by brother & sis.

but on the other hand, music sucks in a way that it makes you feel all nostalgic and brings about emotions. it kinda made me feel nostalgic, and empty in a way. nostalgic, because i miss everyone else whom i was close too, and had lost touch with. i always blame myself for being bad when it comes to keeping touch with friends despite the advanced in technology where we can just say hello to a friend in a matter of seconds. much more when it comes to sending an email or replying smses, it will take me time to persuade myself to do it. Tsk tsk! There was a time, when a good friend migrated the U.S. when we were just 9 years old and a few months after she migrated, she had wrote and sent me letters twice, to which i had not replied. I wonder how she is now. It's been what, 11 years?! Teehee.

i feel empty, because it seems like everyone is moving forward yet i'm kinda stuck here. like time is on a standstill? empty, because it feels like something is missing. Like a big part i'm missing out on. It's a mystery i'm trying to unlock.

Well, i kinda miss the days too when Bethany was still here and those heart to heart talks we used to have. and i wonder how's she doing now, hope she could come visit us all here again!

and till now, i'm disappointed still. i treasure friendships, despite not keeping in touch, i do. but, whatever happened to being friends till we're old with white hair? i know it's been so long already. i have always regarded you as someone whom i have so much respect for and admired of, and of course, as a good friend. i've tried to be there when you needed. but.. it seems like i don't know you anymore..


i don't know, i think i'm only harping on these thoughts while everyone is all moving on. i should too.

and i'm not feeling emo. i'm just putting my thoughts into words. i always have plans to say out my thoughts and all, but the moment i do so, the thoughts & feelings are no longer valid. HAH!

i'm thinking of quitting.
forget responsibilities, i want to priorities what's important.

to quit, or not to?


everybody & things has changed anyway.

reading nicole's blog never fails to inspire me.
:D

i wonder how life will be if i'm in the philippines instead..
hmmm.

worlds apart

IT'S THE WEEKENDS!

and i'm wasting it away, by sleeping the day away?!
i'm such a lazy pig.
well it's time i need to catch up on my sleep anyway.
i've been having sleepless nights!


and ever since i've neglected updating my blog for a week, i've lost the appetite (HAHA!) to blog!
although i'm online close to 24/7! gosh, it's so addictive. kaiying and i concluded we're online addicts. computer addicts!

and so, this week had gone and passed. COMMON TESTS are over and done with! i shan't say how i fared. because i know it myself. I'VE NO BRAIN FOR MATHS CAN.

i can't wait for next week!

and oh, i finally went to catch a movie yesterday after ages long of not going to the cinemas. watched you don't mess with the zohan with hafiz and sarah. it was a funny movie, but kinda sick too! it should be m18 lah!

don't tell me

i never thought it'll really come closer to my imagination.
i never thought it'll be this hard, and stupid.

no, i don't want it all to fall apart.
i don't want all this, what we have to fall apart.

oh, please pray for us.

there are just so many things that i keep to myself. many things that i don't share even with close friends. i've learnt, yet in a hard way that it isn't good to be like this but it seems i haven't learnt my lesson yet.

i don't know, there are days when i'll just accept the fact, the reality. and then there are days when i'll go all feeling blue about it and have negative thoughts like how i'm feeling right now.

maybe it's because i do envy others of where they are and what they are now? and because i wallow in self pity sometimes? and sometimes when i have these thoughts, i'll think about how fortunate i am, than others. fortunate enough of being able to live normally without any physical disabilities, to have a good family and friends.

and at times, i hate myself for being who i am. i'm being so ill disciplined yet i don't even know it or maybe i just don't acknowledge it. and the worse feeling ever, must be the feeling of regret. life is full regrets aye? regret about this and that.i so hate myself for not doing what i can. for not making the best out of situations.

and then i'll go thinking about negative things and wallow in self pity.

you're just different.
you're one in a million.

in the low

this skin looks kinda plain?
it seems kinda cute at first.