my outlet

i'm at a loss of words to say.
because there are so many things running through my mind, i don't know where to start.
i'm in a mess.

i don't know what to do.

i want to get out of here.
out of this situation i'm facing.

i don't like the feeling of being stuck in between.
i don't like having no other options.
i don't like making a decisions such as this.
i don't like quarrels.

it's close to 3am, and they have just finished.

when can they stop fighting?

and during the time they quarreled since 12am, i was actually in between them, while they were throwing blames on each other. oh great.

in case you're wondering why i'm pouring out all these here, i don't give a damn. i feel horrible, and i want to let it out.

i was in camp, and i received news from my sis, telling me that something's not right at home. and i was worried what could be happening at home.

any worries were not put to rest, and i never thought i'd hear those words from them. that they're actually contemplating on splitting up? as a family, split up?

yes, i admit i did visualize before, what would life be if we do split up as family. but never for once did i imagine that it'll come true(no way please). although i hate my father, i realise after all, he's still my father and some part of me do love him for who he is. i had once thought i'll be so happy if one day when i'm able to stand on my own, i'll leave for another country and live far far away from him and never to see him again.

but just minutes ago, he had just asked me for fogiveness, and apologized for what made me had the hatred for him. and i forgived him. i know, deep inside, the hatred is still there. time will heal? he had talked to me and the topic came deeper, and i confessed that i had hatred for him all along this while and that i had remembered everything i went through.

my dad, i realise my love for him has been covered by all the hatred i have. i realise, that the only good thing i know of him is that he is a good provider. i realise, i have not given him good compliments or anything sincere and positive. i realise, i have never said the sentence "Happy father's day" sincerely, from my heart. i realise, all this now. when it's almost too late. i really hope not.

i really do not want all this to fall apart.
i don't want my family to fall apart.
we were once the perfect family in the eyes of our relatives.
we were a complete family.

and it's all so stupid.
decisions are not to be based on pride, emotions, the past, and impulsiveness.

everyone is at stake.
especially me.

they said the only reason why we're here in s'pore is because of me. (oh great, how so not pressurising)

yes, me.

and if my dad and my mom comes to a conclusion that the only solution is to split ways, i may end up the loser. i'll be on the losing end. i already had wasted 2 freaking years when i first arrived here in singapore, when i was supposed to be in Pri 3 at that time, and i was pushed back to be Pri 1 because of the difference in the education system. i'm supposed to be in Year 3 now can. and if, their stupid decision comes true, i may end up in philippines, and i don't know what will happen to my education.

and furthermore, i can't ever bear to leave this place. it's the people i miss, the memories i had in here. oh for goodness sake, i spent most of my life here.

i feel so stuck in between.

i don't ever know what to say when being asked "who will you choose to be with, me or your mom?" or vice versa. oh freaking great.

i dont know who's in the right, who's in the wrong. i'm a 19 year old, yet i'm helpless in these situations.

hey,

I COULD SCREAM, SHOUT, BULLDOZE,SMACK YOU OR THROW INTO A FIT !
SO BEWARE!

I'M SO ANGRY!!!

wah.
since the beginning of the week, i have run into unfortunate events. or rather, bad luck. but i'm no supertitious person. BUT WHAT THE HECK.

so let's see what had me hopping mad
- stupid deposit machine ate my money up @#$%&*%#$#!!!!
-some stupid taxi driver cheated me of my money by making me pay by nets and us paying him cash
- my spectacles dropped on the floor and it's bent
-my handphone slipped from my hand when i was lost in school and it's casing and keypad came out!!!!
-my very expensive $56 tea contents were spilt on the floor!!!!
-i forgot my ibanking USERID and it's frustrating me
-i am very broke.
- i owe people money

this may be minor things but i am hopping mad.
and i don't like, borrowing money from others.
@#$%&$#@

i know, i'll blog soon.
i havent blog about my first week in poly, concerts at NYJC, the club crawl and whatever lah.


WAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

okay i'm back.
like i said, i'm feeling irritated.
don't know why.
BLAME THE HORMONES.
hahahaha.

there are times when i felt this way because of poorly chosen wrong decisions i have made.
but today was one of the days i felt so strongly about it. like i so regret things that i haven't done, and have done. i just wish that i could turn back time, and changed things were. or if not, i thought if how it'll be if i go and study, in philippines? heh, maybe not bad!

aiya, i'm so full of nonsense sometimes.
GIVE ME A NICE FRAPPUCINO PLEASE!

then maybe i'll feel less irritated.
eh, wait i also want some nice burger. today i had vegetarian noodles for lunch. wah, it was so bland okay. i think they must be the leftovers cause no one wanted to eat them then give us. i didn't ate much,as a fussy eater i am. maybe lah!

tomorrow got orientation again. don't feel like going. and i dont know why i was so sleepy when i slept at 10pm last night. that is so so early for a nocturnal person like me. and i actually fell asleep in the lecture theatre while the cca groups were having some performances. and second time was when they were having briefing. oooooh!!

okay, i go sleep now.
sorry to those people who messaged me and i haven't reply.
i'm uh.
i'm pmsing, get back to you guys tomorrow!

power of the unfelt

THIS WEEK GOTTA BE THE MOST BORING WEEK, EVER!

well, for me lah.
i'm one bored and lazy girl this week. and i uh, totally hate it.

i've been rotting at home cause i've burnt a hole in my pocket and i'm broke. can't go hang out with people. hurhur. in addition, i've only been given a few days of work. so no work to fill my time. although i don't really enjoy it. haha.

and i'm remorseful :/
i should have saved up instead spending like crazy!

till then.
my back's aching.
age is catching up, heehee.

i dont want to work.
i don't want to.

i don't want to.
i dont want to.


but then again,
i'll admit defeat just like that?

make believe

uh-oh.
i'm feeling it again.
it's here again.
I'M GETTING SICK OF WORK AGAIN.

time to take another long break.
:)
although last week i only worked for three days.
i should take a longer break.
two weeks perhaps?
haha!

it's a weird feeling to look back and remember that i used to be so noisy and all. i was quite a contributor to the noise level in class, in band and in school. used to joke around and laugh. yes, laugh. not at all quiet.


aiyer.
at work im a glummy, quiet boring person.
aiyerrrr.

but oh wells.
i'm looking forward to mushroom soup date tomorrow!

I SO BADLY WANNA GO SCHOOL!
JUST WORKING, GOING OUT AND STAYING AT HOME SO MUNDANE & BORING!

take over the breaks

it feels GREAT!

it feels great to be away from work for like 5 days!
so these past few days i have been just hanging around and lazing at home. in short, just taking a break from busy working life.

trackback, to last saturday, went for dinner with the clique five and with kuya shiek. ate avie's back! and erica as well! ooh, i love the brownies erica had bought! and as usual, we were all late in meeting up, haha. walked around the terminal 3 and exploring the place, nothing much there! i had expected more than what i saw. initial plan was to dine at earle's but the queue was way to long and were all hungry. so we ate at popeye's. left the boring place, met alane at city hall and ate again. we ate deserts at swensens, i asked for discount again. my manager must have been thinking that i've always been asking for discounts cause i've been like patronizing the place! haha!

then yesterday i decided to wake up a wee bit earlier than usual and go jogging. something which i haven't done in a long time. so it took my dad bby surprise when i told him i'll be going out to jog. i think he was so surprise about that he told my aunt that something wrong must have gone into me and prepared my favourite food for lunch. haha! my dad can be such a.. nvm, i won't mention it here but there are times that i totally can't stand him and won't talk to him although we stay under one roof and avoid him. but i guess he just dont know how to express his love for his daughter sometimes. i guess he expresses them in weird ways. maybe. but what i like is that he bought me a new laptop, when i never asked for one :D

--

and uh. i was so digusted today. i went to meet my mom at chinatown, we wanted to buy some stuff. on my way to meet her there was this old man walking behind me and he sneezed and and i felt something wet on my legs. it was his phlegm!!!!!! totally yucks, totally yucks can!! SOOO disgusting!

it'll be work for me tomorrow again. i can't wait for payday lah. shopping again. can't wait to buy that nice wallet. and goodness me, we're having FISH for dinner today. 3 dishes of FISHES! SEABASS somemore. AHHH! maybe at this rate i'll lose weight, cause i tihnk i'll just eat an apple. haahaa. where did the ugly fat SEABASS come from? my dad loves to fish, and he caught like 11 or 12 of these fishes. much to my horror. imagine more fishes for dinner. AAHHH. i can smell it from the kitchen now.

oh oh, i'm posted to Nanyang Poly.
i'm appealing though.

gah.
so here's my blog, 'opened' up again.
need an outlet to vent out to.

days been a drag.
going to school seems a drag.
being at home seems a drag.

..

gah.
okay i shall stop sounding depressed with my words.

only a few more days left before we've to hand in that darn d&t folio, was rather confident with it at first thne i don't know what i'm doing. haha. on the other hand, i can't wait for the deadline to be over soon, then i'll free from the d&t lessons we've been going to everyday.so looking forward to that

!
2C'05!

i'll update more next time. wasn't so detailed today!
till then!