my outlet

i'm at a loss of words to say.
because there are so many things running through my mind, i don't know where to start.
i'm in a mess.

i don't know what to do.

i want to get out of here.
out of this situation i'm facing.

i don't like the feeling of being stuck in between.
i don't like having no other options.
i don't like making a decisions such as this.
i don't like quarrels.

it's close to 3am, and they have just finished.

when can they stop fighting?

and during the time they quarreled since 12am, i was actually in between them, while they were throwing blames on each other. oh great.

in case you're wondering why i'm pouring out all these here, i don't give a damn. i feel horrible, and i want to let it out.

i was in camp, and i received news from my sis, telling me that something's not right at home. and i was worried what could be happening at home.

any worries were not put to rest, and i never thought i'd hear those words from them. that they're actually contemplating on splitting up? as a family, split up?

yes, i admit i did visualize before, what would life be if we do split up as family. but never for once did i imagine that it'll come true(no way please). although i hate my father, i realise after all, he's still my father and some part of me do love him for who he is. i had once thought i'll be so happy if one day when i'm able to stand on my own, i'll leave for another country and live far far away from him and never to see him again.

but just minutes ago, he had just asked me for fogiveness, and apologized for what made me had the hatred for him. and i forgived him. i know, deep inside, the hatred is still there. time will heal? he had talked to me and the topic came deeper, and i confessed that i had hatred for him all along this while and that i had remembered everything i went through.

my dad, i realise my love for him has been covered by all the hatred i have. i realise, that the only good thing i know of him is that he is a good provider. i realise, i have not given him good compliments or anything sincere and positive. i realise, i have never said the sentence "Happy father's day" sincerely, from my heart. i realise, all this now. when it's almost too late. i really hope not.

i really do not want all this to fall apart.
i don't want my family to fall apart.
we were once the perfect family in the eyes of our relatives.
we were a complete family.

and it's all so stupid.
decisions are not to be based on pride, emotions, the past, and impulsiveness.

everyone is at stake.
especially me.

they said the only reason why we're here in s'pore is because of me. (oh great, how so not pressurising)

yes, me.

and if my dad and my mom comes to a conclusion that the only solution is to split ways, i may end up the loser. i'll be on the losing end. i already had wasted 2 freaking years when i first arrived here in singapore, when i was supposed to be in Pri 3 at that time, and i was pushed back to be Pri 1 because of the difference in the education system. i'm supposed to be in Year 3 now can. and if, their stupid decision comes true, i may end up in philippines, and i don't know what will happen to my education.

and furthermore, i can't ever bear to leave this place. it's the people i miss, the memories i had in here. oh for goodness sake, i spent most of my life here.

i feel so stuck in between.

i don't ever know what to say when being asked "who will you choose to be with, me or your mom?" or vice versa. oh freaking great.

i dont know who's in the right, who's in the wrong. i'm a 19 year old, yet i'm helpless in these situations.